Grump-a-lump

The midwifery program is sooooooo hard. I am feeling worn out and I haven't even been to a birth.
I think having had a brutal cold for the past week has something to do with it (Pernell, Margie, Jen, you know what I am talking about)
This is going to be my rant about how being a student sucks but.... but.... it will be followed by future notes on how exhilerating and exciting this profession is....

You are constantly under scrutiny; the way you talk, dress, and definetly what you know is always being evaluated for clinical knowledge and skills, interprofessionalism, decision making skills, etc......
Well, my preceptors are quite nice, but even so, this dynamic still makes me uncontrollably nervous; I never feel like I can just be myself.
You are constantly new; new clinic; where is this and that???? Where is this form? How do I use this fax machine, this autoclave???? Like a first day on the job... but for the whole placement and just when you are starting to feel comfortable, you pack up and move to next placement.
You are constantly new: I say this again because as a student you are thrown into a very personal space with women; women that real midwives have been getting to know over the course of their care. All of a sudden you are the one conducting their visits and asking questions about bowel movements and breastfeeding and sometimes, well most of the time, I just feel like a tool, or a fake. This has just not been coming naturally.
You are constantly waiting for that pager to go off; The pinnacle of the midwifery placement; seeing birth. Yes, it is exciting but believe it or not, three weeks into placement, I have not been to a single birth. Most of my peers have been to 3 or 4. Now normally I wouldn't worry because this sort of thing is essentially outside of my control but my passing grade depends on my attendance as the primary care provider at 12 births by December 6th, what? Am I going to be able to take anyime off call???? I dunno? And, I have been invited to attend births with other midwives but they have actually forgotten to page me when the time came, nice.... So, I made an effort, but to no avail.
Births again.... As I wait for that pager to go off, I am in this realm of anticipation where anxiety and nerves get the better of me. I mean, I hardly know the women whose births are imminent and I guess it is just my personality, but I get more nervous providing care such as labour support and assessments (ie; vaginal exams) to women I know less well; I think this is simply exaggerated by my status as a student -- women have less confidence in my skills and I have less confidence in my skills which just makes things a little more awkward.
Being a student also sucks because we have to follow a fulltime midwife and go home and write papers which I actually enjoy because I get to reflect on knowledge but I just always feel like I am never getting on top of what I should know. I will study something, and a few months later, I forget, but the thing is.... I need to know everything I am studying, ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Being a student also sucks because your learning opportunities are granted from very busy real midwives and I often feel like a little kid tugging on my mother's skirt asking for preceptor time; I don't think they mean it, but students really are not a big priority.
I will grow up one day and be a midwife but this transformation feels at times grueling and I haven't even complained about sleepless nights at births.... That actually would be kinda nice....
I think things will start looking up, I'm just feeling a bit down right now.
But thank god it's autumn and all the good tv shows are on tv again. YES!