Birth, Baking & Becoming

Strange encounter

2008-03-12T21:18:00.002-04:00

I'm sure we all have these days.... Days were you just don't quite feel so good, so motivated, so happy. I felt okay and then an encounter happened. One that if it had happened on a good day would not have made me feel as hurt as it did. I was asked by my next preceptor to edit my biography page (something they hang-up at the practice office) because a couple of the things were considered inappropriate and unprofessional. After she made her point, I kind of agreed with her (I said that one of my interests was being a groupie to my partner's bands) It was in a humorous tone but I guess it could be interpreted that I enjoy hanging out at bars while I wait for women to call me to deliver their babies. Although I understood her point, I felt completely judged and strangely, a little violated. I probably need not feel this way, but I have never met her before - this was my first encounter with my next preceptor; just not the warm fuzzies I was hoping for I guess? It triggered something in me; a realization that throughout this program I am constantly judged and critiqued and I am finally so sick of it. I just want to have my credentials and work. I am so tired of having someone, perhaps someone I may not even like, analyze me and because of the nature of midwifery, these judgments somehow end up feeling personal. I guess I am just having one of those days...

My experience as a visitor in my city

2008-03-12T21:12:00.003-04:00

I am currently following a nurse practitioner who works in the shelter health network in Hamilton. I observe her at her work. I get exposure to some of the shelters in Hamilton. Some of them are nice, some are cramped. The family centre on Wentworth Street is very nice; it is set up with apartments that entire families can stay in for up to 6 weeks. There are good communal spaces and activities for families that honour multiculturalism and community. There is always a pot of coffee on. This makes me happy because I have seen many things that are sad; not that people are by any stretch pathetic or need pity, but lots of people have suffered many things and I accumulate these stories all day and I just come home and feel heavy. Because it is strange to come home to my TV and food after being with people who jump through hoops, stand in lines, remain on waiting lists, to get things, things they probably truly don't want, but that is what they can get. The world is not a really fair place, is it?

Strong women stories

2007-11-15T15:45:00.000-05:00

Hello,
I have grown and learned so much this placement and although I tell you all bits and peices, it is truly difficult for me to express the depth of my experiences with Sunday evening chats, so hooray for blogs.
I have done some neat things; I delivered an upside-down baby (not breech but posterior), otherwise known as "sunny-side up". It was a nice surprise, the woman pushed like a champion for 2 hours which really is average for a first baby so I am quite amazed! I have delivered a baby pretty much on my own, I have started IVs, I have given so many drugs through IV, I have sutured and tied knots and really grown in my confidence and skills.
But enough about me, really, I need to honour the strength of the women whom I am so honoured to help:
1: This young woman laboured and delivered with our support and no pain medications. Her husband was a bit useless in terms of providing support, asking me inappropriate, irrelevant questions while she was contracting and while I was talking her through them; I guess midwives truly need all sorts of skills. Some of which I clearly picked up while working at The Freeway.
2: I have experience my first significant post partum hemorrhage. I was with the woman all day (relieving the midwives who were with her all night). She had an epidural but still felt quite a bit of pain and an extrememly long labour. She started to develop a fever and her baby's heart rate started to go up with it. We got antibiotics in her and after talking with the OB, decided a vaccuum to c-section would be the best planned sequence to get the baby out. She did end up having a vaccum delivery which is great but her bleeding did not stop. She was panicked and in so much pain and could not even meet her baby right away; he needed a little bit of resuscitation but thankfully was fine. While being born his shoulders were stuck for a little bit and she required a huge episiotomy. Coming into the labour, she had low blood platelets. All of these things play a contributing role into a postpartum bleed. It was scary for me to see the nurses go through all of the lines of action; all of the drugs to stop bleeding, starting a second IV, the OB manually removed clots and bimanually compressed the uterus and by the end she needed a transfusion and some oxygen. I felt so helpless as I held her baby and repeatedly checked his temperature to make sure he didn't have the fever his mother presented with. I was also trying to communicate with the father what was happening in a sensitive and appropriate way - trying not to worry him until needed sort of thing. Thankfully, bleeding was stable after loosing an estimated 1500ml , she became stable and baby was stable. She is currently breastfeeding and fine, amazing.
3: Another significant birth for me was more recent. I pretty much managed everything on my own; the induction, the IV, the meds, the monitoring, the support, the catheterization... She had a 17 hour labour so I felt good by the time pushing came and we were worried that this would also be long. One push, she stretched her tissue right out, so impressive! A few more pushes and I could start to see the head appear and then retreat. I called the second midwife while my preceptor went to update the nurses. With more pushes, the head stayed crowning so I decided to put my gloves on. A few more pushes and the baby was born; our second midwife did not get there in time so I was the primary and my preceptor was the second. It was quite exciting. I am so happy for her to have pushed her baby out, she felt so defeated throughout her long, slow labour. She was young and it was truly beautiful for her to feel empowered in that way, she is also breastfeeding which thrills her and me of course. She has had and continues to have a difficult journey and it is strange and amazing that I can be such a supportive role - it really reinforces why I am doing this.

BIRTHS

2007-10-08T09:58:00.000-04:00

I have been to three births! I felt more like a real midwife at each one; I feel less like a scared kid and more like a grown-up. I think this program is kicking my growing up into high gear because I have to feel grown up; I am responsible for two lives! But you know what? It feels right!
The births were great and I got some good feedback from the ladies re; labour support etc. I also got to practice some serious skills; catches, blood draws, inserting catheters, IV stuff (not starts yet but that's ok).
I feel relieved and excited again and I made it through this weekend without a single night's sleep; would sleep 3 hours, pager goes off at 3 am, get home during the day, nap for 2-3 hours and go to bed, pager goes off at 3 again. But, it's GRRRRRREAT!!!!!

Grump-a-lump

2007-10-01T22:01:00.000-04:00

The midwifery program is sooooooo hard. I am feeling worn out and I haven't even been to a birth.
I think having had a brutal cold for the past week has something to do with it (Pernell, Margie, Jen, you know what I am talking about)
This is going to be my rant about how being a student sucks but.... but.... it will be followed by future notes on how exhilerating and exciting this profession is....

You are constantly under scrutiny; the way you talk, dress, and definetly what you know is always being evaluated for clinical knowledge and skills, interprofessionalism, decision making skills, etc......
Well, my preceptors are quite nice, but even so, this dynamic still makes me uncontrollably nervous; I never feel like I can just be myself.
You are constantly new; new clinic; where is this and that???? Where is this form? How do I use this fax machine, this autoclave???? Like a first day on the job... but for the whole placement and just when you are starting to feel comfortable, you pack up and move to next placement.
You are constantly new: I say this again because as a student you are thrown into a very personal space with women; women that real midwives have been getting to know over the course of their care. All of a sudden you are the one conducting their visits and asking questions about bowel movements and breastfeeding and sometimes, well most of the time, I just feel like a tool, or a fake. This has just not been coming naturally.
You are constantly waiting for that pager to go off; The pinnacle of the midwifery placement; seeing birth. Yes, it is exciting but believe it or not, three weeks into placement, I have not been to a single birth. Most of my peers have been to 3 or 4. Now normally I wouldn't worry because this sort of thing is essentially outside of my control but my passing grade depends on my attendance as the primary care provider at 12 births by December 6th, what? Am I going to be able to take anyime off call???? I dunno? And, I have been invited to attend births with other midwives but they have actually forgotten to page me when the time came, nice.... So, I made an effort, but to no avail.
Births again.... As I wait for that pager to go off, I am in this realm of anticipation where anxiety and nerves get the better of me. I mean, I hardly know the women whose births are imminent and I guess it is just my personality, but I get more nervous providing care such as labour support and assessments (ie; vaginal exams) to women I know less well; I think this is simply exaggerated by my status as a student -- women have less confidence in my skills and I have less confidence in my skills which just makes things a little more awkward.
Being a student also sucks because we have to follow a fulltime midwife and go home and write papers which I actually enjoy because I get to reflect on knowledge but I just always feel like I am never getting on top of what I should know. I will study something, and a few months later, I forget, but the thing is.... I need to know everything I am studying, ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Being a student also sucks because your learning opportunities are granted from very busy real midwives and I often feel like a little kid tugging on my mother's skirt asking for preceptor time; I don't think they mean it, but students really are not a big priority.
I will grow up one day and be a midwife but this transformation feels at times grueling and I haven't even complained about sleepless nights at births.... That actually would be kinda nice....
I think things will start looking up, I'm just feeling a bit down right now.
But thank god it's autumn and all the good tv shows are on tv again. YES!

Go to Thai Memory

2007-10-01T21:59:00.000-04:00

Thai Memory is the most beautiful restaurant I have ever been to. The food is quite fresh and the flavours are interesting. Please go check it out; it is on King William near James.

Do do do do doo doo do!

2007-08-21T13:55:00.001-04:00

Hola friends!
I will soon be catching babies again in Hamilton so I will have many stories to share.
You may have heard, Adrian and I are moving in together. (My Christian relatives cannot find out) Despite belief that living with significant other prior to marriage ends in tears, recent studies suggest that 55% of those couples marry within 5 years. I find that reassuring. Thanks to everyone for their support. AND, Ophelia Syndrome is playing Cafe on King in Cambridge on Tuesday the 28th at 9ish, please come, they are awesome. Tori Amos influenced jazzy music!!!! wahoo!!!!
PS: I miss Kevin, the day he left I was sent an external hard drive I cannot figure out how to use... Who else misses the Chen?

Bits and Bites

2007-05-28T20:25:00.000-04:00

I have moved back to Hamilton
Beginning of May
Previous tenants had not moved out or cleaned out my room
They are digusting
Adrian helped me sweep up balls and balls of cat hair.
I continued to clean the rest of the house... Found a dead, flattened mouse under the couch, ew.....
Once it is a clean, it is a lovely old house from the 1880s. New housemates are nice, all is well.

Mini vacation to the States
Cousin getting married in Delaware, drive to NJ first to stop at their house and spend the night. I have the flu and I cannot eat anything.
Anything I eat stays in my tummy like a rock for hours upon hours... Needless to say, nothing properly passed through. Wedding lovely, at a fancy hotel called hotel Dupont, the same Dupont as the chemical company, ew.
Mini excursion to NYC. Still sick, not eating, weak and tired, grrrrr.
Bus to NYC, walk to 30th and 8th avenue where our hostel was situated. I did not realize the gravity of our situation until we tried sleeping there that night. Very small, seemed clean but who really knows and the bunk bed kept tangling my hair!!!!! (the metal frame)
We did some fun stuff like a gallery or two, central park, The Staten Island Ferry and walking through Greenich Village but all in all, I wasn't loving the trop, I guess being sick and all an was looking forward to going home.

Home!!!!!!
And Adrian and I are celebrating our one year anniversary. As I enter my room for the first time since being away I find a bouqet of pink Gerbera daisies on my bed. Part two, Adrian takes me to build a bear where we each build a cute teddybear. Part 3, Adrian takes me to the Rex in Toronto which was amazing, cozy, good food and home made desserts while listening to great Brazilian jazz.
Went to friends wedding, super fun, open bar, nice speeches.
Head to Ophelia Syndrome's gig. Packed bar, they were encored. They are gonna be famous, I love all of their songs, everyone has to see them next time they play, you will get hooked.

My Oma's birthday

2007-04-14T22:08:00.000-04:00

A couple of weekends ago my family and I celebrated my Oma's 80th birthday with her, it was lovely. I have cousins my age that I don't see very often and I have a good time with them. We also ate lots of torte; German cakes galore!!!!
My life is entering another phase; my Opa was shaved by my family members at the dinner table. It was quite funny and sentimental but my Opa, the German pilot from World War 2, who went into a Russian battlefield with hundreds of men and came out as one of 9 with some metal prizes sent into his ass, prisoner of war survivor, up at 6am to do his exercises and shovel the driveway in a blizzard up until recently, is now frail and old. He recently had a stroke and is loosing much of his function and strength. He is still the sweet, strong Opa that I love, actually cuter now in his helplessness but it was strange seeing him in his helplessness. My tante Monica was cutting his crazy white hair, my dad shaving his face and my Unkle Jens holding the plug for the razor in the wall. Recently we have been looking at retirement homes because he is becoming too much for my Oma to care for. It is weird, a sign that life is moving on. People are born and people die, so simple but something we so rarely think about, even as a midwifery student surrounded by birth all the time.

Ouch, my soul hurts

2007-04-14T21:59:00.000-04:00

Right now, supposed to be studying but I am relaxing on this Saturday evening with my brothers and Bonnie (Brandon's girlfriend). We just watched Fast Food Nation and my soul is disturbed. I already am a vegetarian thank god but I really need to stop buying leather and be quite vigilante about other things like gelatin and cosmetics because I really want nothing to do with slaughterhouses. How have humans become so demoralized or is this just the way we are? We have always killed one another and killed animals but when have what we killed become dehumanized, reduced to objects and killed in a mechanized, sterilized way so that our own consciousness fails to be involved. This movie is meant to disturb and to "enlighten" the viewer on a variety of issues; eg: that other people whom were born into different circumstances are forced to work jobs that endanger their lives and health without any insurance. Why do we live like this? Why is this the easier, more advanced way? This quote is meant to be ironic but Jesus is rolling in his grave. All the goddesses of all spiritual paths moan and lament. We are so cruel to one another.

Dress Decision and it is clearly blowing in the wind....

2007-04-03T10:28:00.000-04:00

Hello,
Can you help me decide? My cousin is having a black tie optional wedding, should I go all out and wear my grandma's Vintage Christian Dior dress circa 1960s or maybe save it for the day I need a fancy shpancy dress?

Catching up

2007-03-15T09:46:00.000-04:00

I forgot to blog about two births before my weekend off but you know what, I didn't forget. They were harder; in different ways. One, the woman was high maintenance and bitchy and took labour out on us instead of her husband like one is supposed to. The second, couldn't push her baby out because she was exhausted and couldn't feel due to an epidural. Sigh.
I don't feel well today but here are some snippets of interest.
My cat Gussy died. A while ago actually but I failed to blog about it. I love him and he was a good cat. He is sitting in a box in our freezer until it is warm enough to bury him in the woods in our backyard. But please, don't be detoured from eating BBQ at our house.
I booked a flight to Paris. Yea, for my last summer I am gonna do the cliche Euro trip but I am only going for a couple of weeks with Katie my old housemate. I will be focussing on France and Germany and maybe make some jaunts to other places too.
That's me right now :)

Blizzards!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-02T12:35:00.000-05:00

I caught another baby!!! This time I pretty much did it on my own.
So, I get called to a birth in Cobourg around 4. The hospital is 93 km from my house and perhaps you are familiar with yesterdays weather. Well, in total, the drive took me about1 hr 45 min. On the country highways my speed averaged 35km (normally 100kph on a nice day). It was the kinda drive where you can't tell the road from the sky and you pray to god you don't drive into the ditch. Then the 401. I thought this part would be nicer, more cars, more snow mushed out of the way but no. More cars yes, but the fallen snow had been sealed by frozen rain so snow/ice was not moving and actually provided a lot of resistance against my tires. I had little traction, no tracks to follow, could not see the lines, could not maintain control of my car going faster than 60kph so I went nice and slow but did big 18 wheeler trucks like that? Of course not, they would pass me and it felt like they were inches away from me and as they did I would just swear to the power of a million. I was so scared and could you imagine if I didn't have nice snow tires?
Ok, so I made it there. I didn't even care if I had missed her birth but fortunately I hadn't.
She laboured beautifully, breathed deeply, didn't mind me bugging her to listen to baby's heart every 15 minutes. Her husband had brought a laptop so we all together watched episodes of HOUSE. I provided her some labour support but she didn't really need it. She had an IV so I kept replacing bags and I inserted gravol IV for her nausea and vomiting. I drew up some other drugs and lucky me, cut myself on the nice glass vials the oxytocin comes in (we have to snap glass tops off). Un-opened alcohol swabs work well as a sheild but I was neglectful of my thumb and didn't use one.
So, around 10:40 she was ready to push. I had already set up the instruments in a sterile field and put my gloves on. I assumed position, providing a little resistance against the baby's head as she was pushed out. This helps minimize tears of the perineal tissue. Head was born, checked for cord around neck. Shoulders born nicely, I guided baby out and but on mom's tummy where she soon started crying. I helped stimulate to get her breathing and crying. I clamped and cut the cord and delivered the placenta with the help of my preceptor guiding how much force to put on the cord. I did other bits and pieces too. I did the newborn exam all by myself with supervision and gave babe her vitamin K shot and eye ointment.
I am really happy that regardless of little opportunities in terms of numbers, I have experienced a sharp learning curve and at every birth and clinic day I seem to be doing more and more and I love it. Things don't scare me anymore, I am just ready. I have yet to do a PAP and those are hard to get opportunities to do. I mean, who wants to be someone's first PAP? In clinic now I am pretty much conducting visits, I have drawn blood again, but no more opps. for vag. exams. It will come. Just letting you know that I am happy, loving it (when I am actually working at it rather than waiting to be paged) and my thumb is just a little sore.
Take care everyone and see you at the Freeway a week from Sunday!

Who wants to go out?

2007-02-25T11:13:00.000-05:00

Hi!
i will be in Hamilton march 9th-11th.
Who would like to go out for beer, yes beer, oh how i miss you!!!! Saturday night?????

Just saying hi

2007-02-18T12:05:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to say I miss everyone, especially The Freeway but I will see you all soon. I hope to take a weekend off after my midterm (march 9th) so I hope I will get to see everyone Sunday night! :)

Baby catching

2007-02-17T17:30:00.001-05:00

I am too tired to explain further, but I finally did get paged. 2 births back to back, up for 30 hours, First birth, laboured at home, she wanted a home birth but the baby changed positions so that her back was to mom's back and labour failed to progress. We transfered to hospital where we had a consult and went to section. She was relieved after having laboured for 26 hours. Baby girl so cute!. What did I do? Took vitals, listened to fetal heart, provided encouragement, watched section, gave breastfeeding support, did newborn exam and gave baby her vitamin K injection and eye ointment.
As soon as we were finishing up there, my preceptor got called and another client's water had broke. We flew to her house, examined her, took vitals, listened to baby and her contractions were very quick and we soon went to hospital. She has a whole legion of family and support. This one was crazy because it was so fast. She needed nitrous oxide for pain relief o i had to grab the tanks, I grabbed ones that were almost empty, shit! Mom wanted me to turn them on, huh? how do i do that? ugh, such a spaz. Other things I did, held mom's leg in hip while doing my first 4-handed catch!!!!!!!! Got splashed with amniotic fluid for the first time, helped deliver placenta by gently pulling on cord. Did newborn exam and gave baby vitamin K and eye ointment. Drew some of mom's blood for cord blood banking and all in all, I'd say it was a good 30 hour long day of learning for me.
I need pizza

Paging Kaelyn....

2007-02-16T14:47:00.000-05:00

Hi!
I am waiting to be paged right now, I have been ALL DAY! One of my clients is in early labour and I will be called again when she gets into more active labour, ie: water breaks, contractions closer together.

So my day of waiting
9-12, had tutorial, not really allowed to leave but for births we technically can but I wasn't paged then.
Hmmm, lunch. should I cook or have philly? no I had chii, quick, did I have time to eat it? Yes.
Hmm. Nap.... no page
Hmmm. Tea, you got it, no page.
I kinda need a shower, should I. I bet as soon as I get in I will get paged, oh hell, let's go for it.
Showered.... yea, I showered!
Hmmm. vaccuummig? Will I hear the page when I do that? Well, who knows, cause I didn't get paged.
And now I blog, will I get paged, well I will post and let you know :)

numbers and sliding

2007-02-10T09:07:00.000-05:00

Hi guys,
no new births
clinic practice though
I am worried about my numbers
We are supposed to observe/participate in a minimum of 12 births and I only have 10 women due until the end of my placement. Now I have to try and extend it by a couple of weeks and I will still only get 12 and that is if I do not miss a single birth which is very possible: we have to take 36 hours off prior to our midterm, 72 hours off prior to our final, 9 days off total, and every Friday morning off for class, um... hello? Why is this my problem now, I shouldn't have to worry about this at all yet now I have to write a request for an extension and hello, extend??????? Which is fine but what if it weren't, what if I had children or vacations to go on, what if I had a life????? (Adrian, I didn't forget about you!!!!)

Anyways, sliding..... yes I have sliding numbers but this thursday, a beautiful clear day, I hit black ice on one of our lovely country roads. I majorly fish-tail, 180 and slam my beautiful new car into a snowbank on the opposite side. I was burried and the underbelly was packed with snow. A total of 2 cars out of maybe 50 pulled over to help me and check up on me. I was fine, I got a tow. I am fine, car is fine, really, no scratches as far as I can see, maybe Yaris's are equipped with angels. I was lucky no cars were in the opposite lane at the time because there so could have been. I wasn't even speeding so be careful in snow drift land!!!!! I immediately ordered snow tires and since have had 2 of the 4 installed by my brother, yea!!!!!!!!!

Silver lining? I am not too down, but I do have a little knot in my tummy regarding my numbers, I worry a lot about my own work and performance and even though this is out of my control, it feels like it is my responsibility; now I have to think of solutions, I have to be assertive to my preceptor, I have to write an official request for extension. Hopefully my next few births will put my mind back in the right place, I have due dates of Feb 20, 26, 28 and March 2 and then a little while to my next wave. Also, any minute now I will get a call from Adrian asking me to pick him up from Whitby or Oshawa Go station so yea!!!!!!!! I will get lots of hugs and kisses and feel a lot better :)

Babies!!!!!!!

2007-02-01T15:04:00.000-05:00

Congrats Jordan and Jill!!!!

Also on Febuary 1st, I saw my first vaginal birth
Called 6:30 am (thanks for letting me get a full night's sleep :) )
Drive over
Beautiful homebirth
Partner so supportive I almost cried just watching him support her
I also supported mom with back rubs and hugs and words of encouragement.
Listened to baby's heart several times
Took vitals
Supported mom's leg and watched crowning and birth
Helped stimulate baby when born (mom and primary midwife caught baby)
Cried when head then shoulders born
Helped assess newborn (aka learning how to do it)
Drew vitamin K shot.... uh... not quite ready to do it.... next time
Lost for words, it is amazing, I will never forget this
I have so much to learn but can't wait to do it again
Scared and excited

No sweat

2007-01-29T18:13:00.000-05:00

Moved home
First day, clinic
Commute and scrap ice off car
Hospital orientation and ID badges
Meet midwives
Sit in on two prenatal appointments
Feel (palpate) their bellies, feeling where the babies are sitting
Listen to fetal heart rate with doppler
Measure fundal height (how big the belly is)
Measure blood pressure
One of the women I am following is due last Friday, anticipating the beep of the pager
So excited
Back sore from sitting and reading lots
So excited
So overwhelmed
But who cares, so excited
Not nervous, I was relaxed

Hospitals

2007-01-24T19:31:00.000-05:00

I am going crazy right now. I don't know what I have done with my most recent immunization record and I start clinic Monday. I just had all my records straightened out, I am going crazy because I feel I have enough to do, besides, nothing gets under my skin more than doing bureaucratic procedures no matter how logical or purposeful they are.

Please...

2007-01-19T09:06:00.000-05:00

Please everyone send good thoughts and prayers to those you imagine to be closest to me... I need to know they are taken care of. Thanks :)

The Real World

2007-01-16T22:19:00.000-05:00

When I came into the cafe on Friday, Rita and I had a nice hug and conversation. She was disappointed that I was sick and wished me better.

In midwifery intensive 1, we spend our conversations bickering about exam answers and trouble contacting our preceptors and then go home to do readings. We are immersed and almost swallowed by a world that is so exclusive and isolated. Rita, thanks for grounding me and helping me interact with the real world so to speak.

Ugh..... CAMP

2007-01-13T14:18:00.000-05:00

It continues. I am sick. It was inevitable. Over 20 people crammed into a small room all day, interacting, talking, etc. I have learned new skills and I am very excited but I am so tired and so sick of the 8:30-5 thing. How do you all do it all the time? (those that work that regimen?). Hopefully by Monday I will be all better and my spirits will be lifted but as of right now, I am sick of learning, just toooooooooooo tired.

CAMP

2007-01-03T22:21:00.000-05:00

I feel like I am at camp. My life is very structured with a routine of Monday-Friday, 8:30-5pm. I am in the Midwifery 1 Intensive and I am loving it. Tomorrow will be day 3. I spend my days with 19 other women and a handful of talented, inspiring midwives who impart their skills and wisdom to us. Yesterday we practiced initial interviews and health histories and informed choice discussion. Today we learned how to draw blood and I did it twice!!!!!! It feels like butter, the initial insertion of the needle, yes the superficial skin and the vein feel like butter (the level of resistance). We also learned how to do IM and SC injections (on oranges) (intramuscular and subcutaneous). And, we learned how to set up an IV and how to injected meds into the IV unit.
Very excited. So far so good! Love it, happy, I am happy!

Birthdays and Solstices!!!

2006-12-22T15:30:00.000-05:00

I just have to say I just had the nicest birthday I have had in such a long time. I felt so lucky to be surrounded by such wonderful friends and family and Mexican food... AND... it is not over, I get to go hang out with my family to celebrate my birthday on Saturday!!!! Yipeee!!!! and thanks everyone!!!! and thanks to everyone who was there in thought, ie Pernell and Margie :)!!!!! Everyone is wonderful!!!!

Soups

2006-12-18T21:23:00.000-05:00

This week has been the week of soups.
I really enjoy learning about and connecting to ancient roots of humanity. Traditionally, i.e. thousands of years ago, Christmas was celebrated all over the world and many of the festivals shared some common themes. Themes including celebrating the light in the darkness; worshipping the sun to fight off the darkness of winter. The winter solstice is celebrated and I hold that very dear to me because I am born on the winter solstice and I believe in the celebrations and symbols that holds. I believe in the cycles of the earth and I feel even more inspired that I get to have a profession that follows the cycles of life in women and childbirth. Anyways, another theme is celebration of food, the harvest and paying honour to grain. That is why we bake and feast at this time and that is certainly what I have been doing. This week, I have made 3 pots of soup and one pot of broth (with which to make the soups)

Broth
Many vegetables left to simmer in the pot
Adrian helped me; peeled the carrots, stirred, etc.
I have really been enjoying the time I have had to relax with him; we don't necessarily have to do anything but we can have so much fun doing it. In this season of celebrating, I just like celebrating him, he helps me to feel very happy, so happy that I will smile by myself just thinking about how happy. I am also really proud of him as he is now officially part of 2 other bands; Ophelia Syndrome and The Entertainment which are both gigging. I got to see Adrian with The Entertainment in Toronto last week, go hunney go!

Potato soup with Swiss Chard
This soup was an experiment in getting nutrition from dark leafy greens... okay, I have a confessions. I love eating vegetables. It is related to what I blabbed about earlier - how earthy vegetables look and taste makes me feel so close to the earth. In all honesty, I would love to eat a carrot fresh out of the earth with some of the dirt on it. Yes, some of you find that gross but that is what makes us all so special. Please note, Adrian ate this soup with the dark green leaves in it and enjoyed it, yes, the carnivore enjoyed it.

Potato leek soup
I made some of this soup to take to my grandparents. My Opa is pretty sick and frail and my Oma is stressed and worn from caring for him. Please send them prayers, good thoughts and well wishes. They have in my past brought me both joy and stress in their relentless love for me and their relentless desire to prosletyze me. But despite their efforts to convert me, I still love them to bits.

Butternut Squash
This soup is a beautiful bright orange so it reminds me of celebration. These past couple of weeks, that is what I have done; celebrating a break from school by sleeping in; celebrating food and creativity by baking and celebrating friends by visiting. I also get to celebrate my birthday, wahoo! I am 23 on the 21st. I know birthdays can sometimes feel anticlimatic, but I always get so excited and I think I love having my birthday near Christmas because after my birthday, I get to celebrate Christmas so it is overwhelmingly joyful.

So these soups are my hommage to the earth. I am cooking to honour the earth from which the food came and I am storing these soups to be eaten in the NewYear (in case you are wondering why one 22 year old would need so many pots of soup)

Sorting

2006-12-10T13:38:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone.
I am sorting through some stuff and I have some stuff that is too nice to just give to SA right away so I want to check if anyone would have any use for it, obviously this is free, wahoo! free stuff! I will probably update this list as my sorting adventures continue:

I have some clothes that are fairly new but have become a little too snug, we were going to have a clothing swap party but we just never got around to it so if anyone would like to have a look, drop me a note. Here is a little inventory:
Pink Roxy knee length cotton skirt
Pink flowy peasant blouse
2 Espirt cotton tops (pink one and a black one) they are cotton, three quarter length sleeve with a little stretch. They just ride up my torso because my hips are too big, lol.
I have more clothes too

Just added!:
CD's: a bunch of worship CDs and Christian pop: Supertones, Delirous?, Relient K, and some mix ones.
Toys:
I have a Bubbles Powerpuff stuffed doll that also serves as a purse. I have never used it, it just sits on my shelf. Anyone have a little one into powerpuff girls?

I will keep you all posted.

Wahoo

2006-12-09T00:37:00.000-05:00

I am done exams
Just wrote reproductive physiology
Wrote pharmacotherapy on wednesday
I feel awesome, got together with my class and practiced some principles of pharm in terms of ethanol eh hum... and cannaboids...
nice, very nice, hope I feel ok tomorrow, still want to go to the farmer's market.
Cheers

Ode to Charlie

2006-12-04T23:33:00.001-05:00

I have just switched my car, my pinky-purple Nissan 200SX which I have anthropomorphized by naming Charlie (a girl) and this blog is to pay tribute to the four and half wonderful years with her.
Charlie has accompanied me on some important milestones....
Moving out for this first time (but to my grandparents)
Moving out for real (to Hamilton)
2 trips to Ottawa; car packed
I long, glorious road trip to the East coast making stops in Quebec city, New Brunswick, Halifax, Bay of Fundy and lots of time in Cape Breton
late nights
first boyfriends
INDEPENDENCE!!!!!!!!!
Airport runs; picking up Manyang and friends with friends (car packed with luggage and 5 people!!!!)
Drive-in movies
Drive-throughs... not really... not a big fan

and some memories not so good; stuck on ice, stuck in snow, buried in ice and snow, blown out tires, dead starter, dead alternator (while driving), dead wiper (will driving in rain), dead battery, a few tows, a few roadside assists... but regardless, dear Charlie, I will miss you... I hope you find another owner who is just as excited about you as I was.... take care...

Now, I drive an 07 Toyota Yaris, it is orange, has three doors and I "had" to upgrade so it has some perks. I feel safer, although I am getting used to her clutch and the ABS. I have decided to name her Deborah and I am sure we will get along just fine and have many great adventures going to births in the middle of the night.

Procrastination Methods Part 2

2006-12-04T00:52:00.000-05:00

Just an update and some musings...
Adrian and I went to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and it was phenomenal. I still have a little tinnitus (ringing in my ears), but well worth it. It was about 3 hours Up to 30 band members; a string section with a mstr playing an electric violin; 2 keyboardist; 3 electric guitarists; many vocalists; a bassist; a wicked drummer with a huge kit; and not to mention, all the laser lights, pyrotechnics and rising stages. Their set included classic Christmas songs, classic rock and classic Beethoven. For more info on them go to www.trans-siberian.com

I have been studying and today I learned CPR. I think I needed breathing coaching just to get through the practical evaluation - I was so nervous. However, I ended up doing the procedures a la textbook. I have also been studying as though this information is going to come in handy... hmmmm... jokes of course.

At theology pub Jaci asked me some pregnancy related questions; they seemed like ones I should be able to answer but I couldn't with the confidence I feel I need for when I will be providing care so I went to research some answers.
Question 1: If one unknowingly becomes pregnant while on the Birth Control Pill and continues taking the pill, will there be any adverse effects?
Answer: No, because the hormones are in fairly small doses, they are hormones necessary for pregnancy, but regardless, the developing embryo once implanted in the uterus will pretty much override the effects of the estrogen and progesterone in the pill. The only potential for an adverse effect is the conversion of the progesterone into androgens which could have masculinizing effects on a fetal fetus; i.e: enlargement of the clitoris.
Question 2: Will a vitamin B-12 injection be contraindicated in pregnancy.
Answer; None of the drug manuals contraindicate these injections in pregnancy in cases of anemia and vitamin B-12 deficiency. However, it is in the pregnancy drug class C, meaning that it is unknown whether or not the drug will have a negative or effect on the fetus. (80% of all drugs are in this category because it is rare that randomized control studies can actually be performed due to the ethical issues surorunding drug testing in humans, pregnant ones no less - for toxic effects no less!!!) Jaci, I don't know why that pregnant woman was not given the shot. I don't know the dose, I don't know the context but another thing to consider; the fetus' liver and ability to process anything is not as well developed and thus has an increased risk of toxicity from anything the mother receives (pretty much anything in the mom's blood will pass through the placenta)

2006-12-02T23:17:00.001-05:00

I am playing with my blog right now and in my eyes it is a mess so please bare with me as I experiment... Pernell, I will soon need your help as you can already see

um.... procrastination methods part 1

2006-11-23T16:27:00.000-05:00

Just updating...
I am ok... I am submersed in the cram to finish assignments and study for exams so I feel guilty when I blog but who cares right? I should savour the opportunities to relax because my life will get a little intense very soon.

Last weekend....
Adrian wanted to go shopping... Yes, I wrote that correctly.
We went to Limeridge - it was fun. All the hours spent watching fashion makeover shows has really given me an ability to pick out flattering clothes efficiently and effectively.
It was GREAT!
Then we went to Bean Bar where we ate rich, delicious food; sweet potato fries, I had a brie and gorgonzola pizza with carmalized onions, roasted garlic and sundried-tomato pesto sauce. Adrian had tortellini alfredo, followed by jack & coke and a big piece of cheesecake!
Saturday: I have a ritual of going to Bread and Roses cafe where I get coffee, a home-made bagel and buy organic produce at the stand that puts up shop there every Saturday. It was pleasant needless to say.
That evening.... I was Adrian's roadie... pick drums up - pack in car (can't wait for my hatchback) - unload (this was tricky as there was a huge confusion over where we were playing due to inadequate festival organizers) - finally unloaded at Absinthe - set up drums - Adrian played (of course I loved it) - take drums down - load in car - go get pizza and have just one drink - play pool on crappy pool table that had no chalk for the cues, hmmmmm, that is what I blame my crappy skills on... - back to adrian's - unload drums
Sunday - parents came - out to dinner at Ben Thanh - it was just ok - would have prefered whistling walrus - went to Hamilton Music Awards - very interesting - saw Eugene Levy - left early to catch Amazing Race at Pernell's - crazy, loud kids everywhere but they were cute!
Ok, that's enough for now. Back to writing big papers :(

Can I please have my car NOW!

2006-11-14T15:29:00.000-05:00

I just went to the gas station to fill up because I was planning on travelling to my grandparents this afternoon.
My gas door does not open; I push down the lever, the door is clearly jammed. I tried prying it open only resulting in a small scratch.
Now my car has no gas and I don't mind not driving until I get my new one but clearly I have to drive it to Newmarket to get my new one. Should I drive it until it runs out of gas and get towed to my new car dealership???

Anyone have any suggestions; besides paying an hour labour for someone unprying my door? Anyone think they could do this without paint or part damage?

Chuck's thoughts

2006-11-12T18:44:00.000-05:00

Here are some writings from my good friend from Laurier, Chuck. He is a very socially and politcally active individual and lives in Ottawa. Feel free to read as much as you like and post your comments in the spirit of dialogue:
PS: If you are pressed for time, scroll down to the song at the bottom.

"I would like to begin by recognizing the privilege I have to live in middle-class Canada versus many other social positions and countries in the world, not to suggest that life is inherently miserable for the majority world, but simply to suggest that my geographic, economic and social positions have endowed me with a much easier life. The very fact that I can communicate this message without being silenced, is a privilege in itself. However, I consider freedom of thought and speech to be an inherent human right and, as such, I will exercise it even more forcefully. I am further motivated by the belief that Canada’s freedoms have been either directly or indirectly at the expense of the rights of others. How we avoid taking this for granted and rubbing it in the faces of the less fortunate is well worth considering.

For the love of your country, burn a flag

Something about this city makes me sick. Maybe it’s the fact that taxpayers’ money is going to make this city look pretty for the privileged politicians, international diplomats and tourists. Maybe I feel that I am living at the heart of a big lie, the lie of a peaceful democracy, which is masked by architectural barriers and Canadian flags. Or, it could be that it hides the fact that this country has been built on, and furthers its success through, Empire.

While we may live comfortable lives in a seemingly secure environment, I believe our comforts have come at the cost of stolen lands, exploited labour and environmental degradation. We are privileged because of our previous and current relationships to Empire, the British and American respectively. We have profited immensely from lands that are not ours, in- and outside of Canada and we are creating severe environmental problems, which will affect the poor disproportionately (apparently, not even god has a fair sense of ecological justice). As I write this, I’m sitting in a Catholic school built on the territory of the Algonquin people, a living testimony of colonialism and the legacy of settler society.

These days, I feel like I’m in a continual state of despair. I feel angry and desperate, and yet I’m beginning to believe there is nothing I can do about it. Not only do I believe my work will not make a difference, I believe this whole goddamn country is dead-set against the success of peoples’ efforts for Aboriginal justice. To say the least, I’m becoming cynical.

Our current administration has taken regressive positions on Aboriginal rights, climate change, crime and justice, defense, poverty and foreign aid – all in the name of Canada and its citizens. And, you and I have had very little input and most of us have not even voted for this administration.

Anyone with two ‘good’ eyes should be able to see that we have very little democratic involvement and are frequently lied to as citizens of Canada (and, I can provide you with some examples if you’d like). I think this has led to the direct disenfranchisement of much of the population. Consider that just over 60% of the population voted in the last election and of that percentage, less than 40% voted in favour of a Conservative Prime Minister and Cabinet. I heard Jack Layton say that only 36% of Canadians voted for the Conservative government, and thus, most Canadians voted against them. Although you may argue it’s only a minority government, some of the most significant decisions on everything from crime to foreign policy happen within the executive branch of government under the direct supervision of cabinet ministers, i.e. the Conservatives.

But Canada is not just in the midst of a dark age, there is a systemic problem with our democracy. We should begin by taking an honest look at who are our representatives and who works for government. Are they modest people? Do they demonstrate a strong set of ethical principles? Do they have diverse experience? What are their motives? In general, do they represent the diversity of their constituency’s population (i.e. in gender, culture and socioeconomic class)? Like me, I expect these questions will lead you to a fairly cynical perspective of our democratic representation (see “plutocracy”).

Not only are our representatives not representative, we have conceded to marginal roles in determining our futures, which has allowed private interests to trump the common good. We have been fully indoctrinated into believing that democratic representation is the best system of governance we can hope for. As a whole, we live under the illusion that our country is being governed by ‘the experts’ and led be individuals who know what’s best for Canada. This is a terrible farce, which has led us to accepting a single vote as satisfactory involvement in the determination of our futures. Even Mohandas Gandhi living under the thumb of British colonialism was able to recognize Western democracy as “diluted fascism.”

Our representatives are not holy saints, experts or superhumans, they are regular, and often rich, blokes sitting in Parliament who happen to be pretty good at ‘spinning’ issues to suit their agendas. My co-worker, Sandra, recently told me that at a conference she was hosting about two Bills on conditional and mandatory sentencing, a Conservative MP had stood up and accused the hosts and panelists that their reading of a bill was wrong. After a brief discussion and further explanation on behalf of panelists, the MP realized that, in fact, his reading of his party’s bill was false and admitted that the proposed Bill should be amended.

We also concede to injustice through our cooperation, lack of dissent, fear, apathy and/or unwillingness to take risk. Ignorance among many people happens to be a convenient excuse, but for the rest of us who have the knowledge and education to recognize our connection to the dire straits we’re in, we are extremely guilty. For this, the rest of the world is paying through the teeth. But, then again, who can blame us? The opportunities for democratic participation and political influence are so few that we often feel powerless to do anything. And, I believe we are as individuals.

So, this realization of public apathy, overwhelming illusions and political ineffectiveness has led me to reconsider militant activism. It is so easy to criticize, but when it comes down to it, I admire the few who are willing to take risks for something they believe in. Besides, maybe there is a time and place for militancy, similarly to the accepted political norm that there is a time and place for war and violence. I’m suggesting that it may be time for disruption and resistance. We need to resist the paradigm that conflict is inherently bad and start seeing it as a possible catalyst for change.

While my discourse may sound ‘radical’, I am guilty of complicity. As I said before, I have spent too much energy scrutinizing my friends, my family, and myself. Of course, we are responsible for our own complicity and positions of privilege, but I’ve taken the maxim, “be the change you want to see in the world” too far. I have focused so much on myself and others that I have neglected the sources of the world’s problems. It’s not me or you, but a complexity of economic and political systems that govern our world. However, it is ultimately up to us to resist the institutions that maintain the current order through diverse actions in solidarity with others.

Personally, I have largely been unwilling to put things on the line, to risk my comfort, to act outside social norms, to be disobedient. For some reason, there is a parental voice in my head saying, “this is not constructive,” “you could do better”, or “you’ll be throwing your life away.” This very well could be true, but if this thought process leads you towards not taking risk, I think there’s a problem. Every action will encounter criticism or straight-up opposition, but this is an aspect of risk-taking and the reality of activism. Act, experiment and learn from your mistakes. The idea is to create controversy and stir discussion in the public realm through actions that seem risqué. Further, if our actions are always directed by the consequences, we will lack the will to resist systems of domination, oppression or exploitation. It seems that we have left this job to the labour and community organizers, environmental warriors and human rights defenders in the South, who regularly meet with oppression as we discuss current political trends, cappuccino in hand, at a Starbucks coffee shop…excuse me…for us “ethical” consumers, it’s more likely to be a Second Cup.

In any case, I think, as a first step, we should begin a rebellion against the lies. For me, the Canadian flag has come to symbolize the hoax of a peaceful, human rights-loving nation. So simple and so gentle, the maple leaf represents innocence. We flaunt it around like it’s something to be proud of and it has become a large part of our national identity. But, to those who believe in this illusion, I ask: If Canada cares so much for peace, why does the government support an aggressive, US-led war on Afghanistan and why do we have so many enemies there? Why does the government subsidize research for ballistic missile defense technologies? If Canada cares so much for human rights, why does it try to extinguish the inherent rights of Aboriginal peoples and oppose the draft Declaration on the rights of indigenous peoples? And, why is child poverty in Canada increasing? Why does Canada fund high-risk mining activities on indigenous lands internationally? Why do Canadians and their politicians so frequently rationalize these actions? I could go on and on, but it is time to recognize that our national identity is a hoax perpetuated by our government and fellow citizens. This has pushed severe shortcomings of our domestic and foreign policies out of our collective consciousness. It acts against our well-being and threatens the security of humanity.

So, I say, burn the flag, because it does not represent us for who we really are. In so doing, consider it a rebellion against the lies:
“We need a rebellion. Not an armed struggle, as in
violence, but a rebellion against the lies. This is the
same as taking up arms, but our weapon is truth. We
must rebel against the lie and confront its most present
state” (Dr. Taiaiake Alfred, the Indigenous Peoples
Research Chair at the University of Victoria).
Sure, burning a flag could be interpreted as an act of violence against the people of Canada, but it’s not. This is a symbolic act of discarding our national identity that has hidden the daily injustices of our lifestyles and government. It is an act of purifying ourselves of the myths that maintain ignorance, dominance and inequality. It is also a symbolic step of shedding our fears and moving towards dedicated action. The beauty of symbolic action is the opportunity for multiple interpretations.

Maybe it is time to “bring the war home.” Understand it figuratively or literally, we need a resistance against the illusions of our lifestyles and our democracy. We need to transform ourselves and our society to become agents of our future, rather than passive observers. It may, at times, seem ugly and chaotic, but it is time to awaken the Beast. And, maybe a little chaos is just what this country needs.

Say No to Peace – Brian Wren

Say ‘No’ to peace
If what they mean by peace
Is the quiet misery of hunger,
The frozen stillness of fear,
The silence of broken spirits,
The unborn hopes of the oppressed.

Tell them that peace
Is the shouting of children at play,
The babble of tongues set free,
The thunder of dancing feet,
And a father’s voice singing.

Say ‘No’ to peace,
If what they mean by peace
Is a rampart of gleaming missiles,
The arming of distant wars,
Money at ease in its castle,
And grateful poor at the gate.

Tell them that peace
Is the hauling down of flags,
The forging of guns into ploughs,
The giving of fields to the landless,
And hunger a fading dream."

I know where I am going

2006-11-08T13:21:00.000-05:00

My Winter placement is in Oshawa with an area covering Durham, Scugog, Cobourg, Port Hope and everything in between. I will be closer to my parents and living in Oshawa will mean that Adrian can catch a GO line to visit me. I will be living there Febuary-April and hopefully will return to Hamilton for my last summer vacation ever (I am growing up so quickly).

My car will also be ready for me at the end of November. I am feeling much better, thank you everyone :)

My Apple is no longer rotten

2006-11-07T11:26:00.000-05:00

My battery finally seems to be functioning normally! yea!!!!!

My most recent repair was major; replacing the logic board (not sure what it is but if I didn't have warranty or coverage it would have cost 1,200$ for the part). My battery was still only giving me 1.5 hours but I timed it again (thus callibrating it). The battery performance has thus returned, hooray!!!!!!!

I am at my witt's end

2006-11-06T17:27:00.000-05:00

Hi all
I have not been able to post much lately due to computer issues.

For the better part of the month of October I have had to call in about my (brand new) Apple Macbook (on average of about three times per week). I have also had to drive it down to the Applestore for repairs twice and the problems have persisted (poor battery performace of about 1.5 hours when it should average at 3.5)
I also just found out that I could have taken it to Titles Bookstore at McMaster for repairs so I didn't need to drive to Sherway Gardens, but of course no one from Mac could have told me that even though my address stared them in the face.
I am in the works of getting a new one; I am fed up. I have to get it re-diagnosed and then I can be sent a new one. So far, owning a Mac has been one of the biggest consumer related inconveniences of my life.

Second, car.
Many of you know that I have had many car problems over the past three months; starter, wiper motor, tires..... All of which have been replaced
Well, Thursday night as I am driving down the 407 (thank God I was on the 407) during rush hour, in the dark, my car dies. First the lights fade, then the radio, then all the dials go down to 0. Then my speed starts to rapidly reduce and of course I am in the middle lane with someone in my blindspot. I manage to get over and I am towed home. I am crying with cars zipping past me at high speeds shaking the entire car. Thank God my dad had just increased my CAA coverage to "Plus" otherwise I would have had to pay for that lengthly tow except for the first 10 kilometers. (I was exactly half way between my parents and Hamilton... an hour either way).
With all that trouble, I have decided to lease a Yaris, but now I may have to wait for many weeks for any of my colour choices (I refuse to settle for a colour I don't want when I pay for a new car). So, I am not having a great day. I hate dealing with consumer issues so the compliation of all these issues have made me cry more times these past few days than would be considered appropriate. Grrrr.... to the world... grrrrrr to stuff.... I want to live in the forest and be a pagan in ancient times without computers and cars. Grrrrr......

2006-10-26T19:06:00.000-04:00

I am sick

The cold is a cruel sickness. We downplay it as so common but all I have done today is watch TV, listen to jazz, go to one class and have a bath. The cold is so creul because it is able to make all these pleasurable experiences be vile and loathsome in my sickness.

bleeps

2006-10-23T18:17:00.000-04:00

I am procrastinating... I have ridiculous little maintenance things to like apply for a birth certificate and mail something but I really don't want to.... My room-mate just downloaded an old version of Sim City and I think I would much rather play that. Should I download it? What will become of my life if I do? Will I fail school? Oh, I got my pharmacology midterm back; 76%. Two questions I put an answer I knew was wrong but for some reason circled incorrect ones (multiple choice). Kicking self now.
I also feel cold and sore; I really hope the soreness is due to yoga and not to infection.
I wore a skirt today and put on new pantyhose that snagged immediately, DANG.

Me and church.... church and me

2006-10-16T00:36:00.000-04:00

This is a reflective post on Sunday's message.....
Relative truth was the topic.
I appreciate that the issue of relativity was discussed and the concept of truth and truths.
These kinds of philosophical discussions get my blood pressure up in an excited, impassioned way. I have no idea why, really, I don't, but they just do.
So, church inspired thought but I have to say, that I disagreed with some of the main points discussed tonight.

We talked about how contemporary society sort of has adopted views that do not recognize truth as concrete and absolute but is rather something debatable and contextualized. This is something I agree with; I am one of the 65% that do not believe in absolute truth.

But let's look at why....

There are so many reasons why truth is less and less revered as big capital "T" truth.
Post-modernism and subsequent philosophical reasons are probably the main perpetrators: Following two grim wars, philosophical thought out of Europe reflected ideas that rejected government, the state, and frankly became critical of any fundamental ideology that claimed sovereignty and accurateness. I mean, who could blame them, millions murdered, several totalitarian governments later... Who wouldn't be disillusioned?

Another main reason is globalization; the movement of people and places across borders and time (ie: via internet) thus making the world seem smaller. This state of communication and existence means that we are constantly exposed to more ideas, more cultures, world views, and are more aware of both good and bad things that go on in the world.

My point is to put into context some of the historical reasons why there is a general shift to relativism (although it always seems to shift back and forth). Essentially, it is important to me that relativism not appear to be an exit strategy from the hard work of sticking to a faith. It is not. It is taking into account our world, our fellow humans, our histories, our stories and mapping them out to make sense of everything. It is harder to be a relativist because it is an acceptance of how little we know and this inspires me to want to learn and discover and become a more active participant in my faith. My faith as I knew it when a young-girl when I identified myself as "born-again" no longer seems like Truth but rather, I am trying to extrapolate truth from those experiences, from those teachings. I believe that there is truth that is equally valid in the world views of others vis a vis Muslims, Buddhist, Confucius, AGNOSTICS (yea baby!...) Because, just as there is truth in all those things including Christianity, there is also a lot of bullshit because the history of faith whether or not the Bible is the word of God is shaped and defined by human experiences and thus has both moments of truth and moments of error.
Thus in my opinion, being a relativist is about being a critical thinker, about seeing the world as more complicated because truly it is. We always need to be learning, seeking understanding, tolerance and acceptance; that is not at the expense of faith or even/especially Christian faith, but I think it becomes it.

I like the icecream flavour illustration for my faith because no matter what flavour we have, it is still icecream and it is good stuff.

Quick update

2006-10-15T12:55:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I want to change my blog template and I haven't gotten around to it yet.

Things are great. Adrian and I decided to buy tickets to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra to celebrate our half-year anniversary (yes we are cheesy, but it is an excuse to do something as extravagant as going to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra). It is at the end of November.

Right now.... Taking a study break. I have two midterms next week back to back: Reproductive physiology on Wednesday which covers everything from cell development and synthesis of DNA to embryology, to how menstruation works and all the hormones in between. On Thursday, Pharmacotherapy which is where we learn how drugs work, how they bind to cells, what environments they bind in (acid or a base = one will absorb well in the stomach vs one in the intestine). It is fun, we also get to calculate doses. All of this makes me very excited for clinical in Febuary. We get to choose our top three choices of where we would like to be placed; I am putting: 1: Hamilton region, 2: Durham-Scugog West Northumberland region (where my parents live) and 3: Waterloo region. I really don't mind going anywhere although, Kenora is an option and I am not to keen on moving that far away.

Besides that, I found two Burt's Bees lip stuff in my jacket pocket and I thought I had lost mine (apparently they reproduce....)

Oh yes, Thanksgiving..... That was great.....
Let us see...
Oh Saturday was hilarious. I went with Adrian to his Uncle Mike's suprise birthday party in Richmond Hill. Adrian did not know the people who were hosting and we were there on time at 6pm. We were the first ones there... awkward much?.... We helped decorate; we were alone in a unfinished, dim basement putting up birthday decorations in a stranger's home, weird.....
Luckily, Lous (Adrian's dad), Auntie Betty and Kim (Adrian's sister) arrived shortly after. Aunty Betty gave me a huge hug which was nice. I was so nervous for some reason. At one point when sitting around with some of Adrian's more elderly relatives, one of his aunt's told me, "speak whenever you want, we don't want to exclude you."
Great.... now there is more pressure to speak. I hardly understood most of the existing conversations because of patwa. Adrian told his family that detail after I had left and they thought it was hilarious. Actually, after Adrian told me that I had a dream that I was at the party again but they were speaking with stiff lipped accents.

Party.... met so many people, nice fun people. Adrian's cousin Chris was hilarious. There was dancing to Calypso and Reggae, delicious food; I discovered festivals; deep fried dough sticks... who wouldn't love deep fried dough sticks?
I eased into the party as it went on, became less nervous and hopefully at the next one, I will speak.

Sunday.... Warning: Subtle drug reference to follow.
Went to mom's cousin's cottage up north near Haliburton with mom, dad, and brother Tyler, and oh yes, my labs Indie and Nellie. Basically, sat on deck, sat by lake, cuddled with three extra dogs that were visiting; little, cuddly fuzzy ones that a friend of the family had brought. For the first time ever, we burned grass together. It was so funny. I knew my parents did it once in a while, and I knew that I did it once in a while and for the first time, we passed a J around together. My mom's cousin who is an amazingly fun lady nearing her 60s brought out her wooden box and just started rolling. It was strangely hilarious. Needless to say, we spent the rest of the afternoon eating and I gazed up at the intensely blue sky overlaid with bright orange and amber leaves and sunbeams shining through them.
My family had steak, I had soy chicken nuggets and PUMPKIN PIE!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMM

Monday...
Went to K-W with fam. to visit the Oma and Opa and the German relatives from NJ (the Christian ones... tee hee....)
We went to Swiss Chalet and mostly talked about my cousin's upcoming wedding that is going to be swwwwankkkyyyyy!!!!

Anyways, that's enough for now. Once I get on it, I hope to have a template more reflective of me and some pictures of course.

Cheers!

My last official day as Job Coach

2006-09-30T11:57:00.000-04:00

My last day in my usual role at the cafe was yesterday.

I am now i recovery... planning to catch up on laundry and cleaning my room before setting up for UNGAMANA.

Yesterday presented itself with both challenges and joys...

Beginning of the day: Chris Turner and Justin (job coach). Chris gave me a hug goodbye.... sniff.... I said, won't I see you in church? To which he responded, "no, I am going to the fair..." So, I guess we will wait and see.
I also received an email later that day from Chris:

"Dear "Katelyn"

I miss you working at the FRWY. I miss you working. Have a good time at school. I miss you very much. Say Hi to me

Bye Bye
I miss you
Jamaal says Hi

From your friend Chris Turner.

I teared up reading it (I am grossly sentimental by the way)

The cash register apparently had a hard time giving me up too:

It read error a total of 5 times yesterday morning, embarrassing me in front of the customers as I tried to calm its sour spirits.

Lisa, my supervisor through Lawson, stopped by to say best wishes and dropped off a little something extra. Working for Lawson has some perks as for leaving, I got a coupon for a hot stone massage from Luba Mera Spa. YEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

Adrian stopped by with flowers just in time for Randy and Pernell to tease him in person for it.

Random man needed to use phone and if I didn't help him call Bell Canada, he may have had a hissey fit, ah..... The shinanagans of The Freeway.

I also was visited by Carolynn

Good day. It was a pleasure doing this job but don't worry, I am still volunteering every other Friday night with the dark one.

2006-09-26T12:33:00.000-04:00

I am so excited about all the new wonderful people at the Freeway!

2006-09-19T15:28:00.000-04:00

WUSC and STAND present:

UNGAMANA

Swahili for "Be United"

Sponsored by The Freeway Café

www.frwy.ca
333 King St. East: Corner of King and Wellington, Hamilton

Saturday, September 30th, 2006

7:00-10:30pm

live music
drum circle
East-African art and craft silent auction
fair trade coffee and delicious food.
Performance by Waleed AbdulHamid at 7:30

$5 at the door

The funds raised go to WUSC's student refugee program; a program where
universities sponsor students from overseas, specifically students
residing in refugee camps who would like to expand their education.
Their tuition and major costs are covered but other hidden expenses
are not. We will be directed the funds raised to buy this year's
student some winter clothes and additional school supplies. The rest
of the funds raised will go to the organization STAND: Students Taking
Action Now Darfur

Adrian will be leading the drum circle so feel free to bring any
instrument you like to jam.

The music will begin at 7:30 so please be on time as Waleed has to
leave for Toronto by 8:30ish. Here is a description of his musical
stylings from www.http://www.souldrums.com/staff.html
Waleed Abdulhamid

Multi-instrumentalist, composer, vocalist and producer, Waleed
Abdulhamid, has been an active member of the Toronto music scene,
since his arrival in Canada in 1992. He demonstrates his versatility
on guitar, bass, drums, flute, harmonica, kirin, bass kirin,
darabhuka, marimba, balimbo, congas, bongos, djembe, dumbek and tama.
He is known for his striking vocals, his innovative bass technique and
his speed and precision on percussion.

Waleed has played, toured and recorded with the pop/rock band, The
Claymen, African band, AfroNubians, world jazz artist, Mosa Neshama
and reggae band, Solid Rock. He was a founding member of award-winning
African bands, Tikisa, Radio Nomad and Balimbo. He has recorded with
jazz bass player Paul Novotny, most recently on a Honda promotion, and
with jazz pianists David Johanns and Joe Sealy. As music director
Waleed has directed a series of shows at the Caliban Arts Theatre
(Freedom Live), Inner Stage, and various dance companies. He has also
worked extensively as a studio musician and arranger with many local
R&B bands.

Waleed is also renown for his teaching abilities. He teaches a "World
of Music" at Hart House - University of Toronto, Toronto District
School Board where he has taught music in various high schools, Full
Circle Productions and private tutorials. He has also facilitated many
workshops in different music schools.

Waleed has written, composed and produced music for several TV shows.
This includes a series of documentaries for the Discovery Channel, a
documentary about "Hajj" for CBC, the "11th hour" on CFTO and a series
of documentaries for the History channel including "Lumamba".

Waleed leads his award-winning African jazz band, Radio Nomad (Toronto
African Music Awards, Band of the Year Award, 2000). He composed,
arranged and produced all the material on Radio Nomad's first album,
"Kalam Jamil", released in February 2000. He performs with Radio Nomad
and as a freelance musician at venues and festivals across Canada. He
has appeared at Canadian festivals such as Festival International de
Jazz de Montreal, The Downtown Jazz Festivals of Toronto, Halifax and
Vancouver, The Toronto Street Festival, Afrofest (Queenspark), the
CJRT Colour of Jazz Festival (Ontario Place), Rhythms of the World
Festival and WOMAD (Harbourfront) of Toronto, the Vancouver Downtown
Festival, the Atlantic Festival and the Hillside Festival.

Waleed was born in Sudan in 1968. He began performing at the age of 6,
when he appeared on a popular weekly children's television show and on
a radio show in Sudan. Before leaving Sudan in 1989, he toured across
his country, as well as Egypt, Syria, Kuwait and Emirate. Waleed was
known for bringing traditional rhythms into popular music in Sudan.
Many percussionists across the country emulated his unique percussion
style. He played with top bands and singers in the region, such as Egd
Ejelad, Abdulkarim Kably, Khalil Ismail and Mohamed Alamin. Egd Ejelad
was responsible for bringing traditional music from ethnic groups all
over Sudan and a strong message on social issues to the city centres.
When he left Sudan at age 18, he performed, recorded and toured
extensively, appearing at major music festivals in Stockholm,
Copenhagen, Frankfurt, Oslo, as well as in Finland and Iceland

So much change at once

2006-09-06T20:00:00.000-04:00

What have I been up to, well, if you are reading this so you must care.

I had some lovely days off last week; 3 days next to a weekend so I went home and spent some quality time with the fam. We went to Sandbanks provincial park one day and it was my first and probably last beach day of the summer but it was a fantastic one. Here are some pics:

For some reason they appear sideways, grrrrrrrrr.

Then, I went to Yorkdale mall the following Wednesday to meet Becci and Kelda, 2 friends of mine who are involved with me in helping welcome a student from Sudan via Kenya to Canada! We then proceeded to the airport to pick him up and there was lots of excitment in the air. There were also other representatives from other schools also picking up students. Becci had spent the summer travelling in East-Africa and had met many of the people coming when she was in Kenya. She knew the student who was going to be studying at Waterloo University however the students picking him up were no where to be found. Kelda, Becci, Michael and I waited with him and Becci and I were a little panicked, slightly worried. Imagine being this guy, jet-lagged, arriving in a new country and the people responsible for taking care of him were not there, eeeeekkkkk!!!!!!! Becci and I went on an adventure to see if they were in terminal 3. We managed to find the monorail which was an adventure in and of itself. The next train was in 7 minutes. We decide not to wait... if they were at the wrong terminal, surely they would have figured it out by now... it had been 2 hours!!!! We descend the escalator... the train arrives. Becci runs up the escalator... I try.... I am not moving.... imagine me running up an escalator and not moving, it was funny. So we wait some more and decide to take him to Hamilton because eating is better than waiting. We made many calls to WUSC headquarters in Ottawa and finally get a call back while in traffic on the 401. Nice intro to Canada.... lanes of concrete and a sea of cars.....

It was fun though.... more pics:

As it turns out, they were at the wrong terminal.....

I was pooped after we got our new friend settled and suprisingly did not sleep well because me being the worrier that I am worried about everything he needed but of course, he wasn't worried, so goes to show that I need not worry.

And now, school is starting, I have been seeing my friends again and the days are getting shorter. Yes, lots and lots of change.

All clear

2006-08-20T12:30:00.000-04:00

My dad's tests scanning for cancer came back all clear, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Summer flying by so quickly... forgetting to blog

2006-08-15T09:58:00.000-04:00

I have felt like something has been missing from my life.... oh yes.... my weekly entries summarizing my adventures.
I don't even know where to begin. How about with today? I rode my bike to work... on the road no less. The past couple of weeks I felt a combination of lazy and anxious about riding to work. I have had a lot of people yell at me for riding on the sidewalk but I am so scared to ride on the road but today I did it! Someone even stopped to let me merge in my lane... how fabulous!!!!!

Yesterday.... worked with Kevin at the Freeway... bought a Mac and got a free IPOD. This is how it worked... "Kevin, which computer shoud I buy?"...

"This one"

"Ok... let me get my VISA card"

and there we have computer shopping with Kaelyn... all on-line... in the twinkling of an eye.

Also, I was able to get an engraving on my IPOD for free. Kevin suggested "Kaelyn loves vegetables" I said, "sure". He proceeded to laugh so hard he must have almost herniated his intestines. However, I edited my engraving to "Kaelyn loves trees and vegetables".

Sunday.... felt the joys of womanhood and did not want to do anything but b&c (bitch and complain) But I trekked to the Freeway and lead a discussion group on Israel-Palestine. I was nervous. I am so sympathetic to the Palestinians and sick of Pro-Israel ideologies because of my extremist family members that I was scared that I was going to be the odd one out. But, it was a mature, balanced, inspired discussion where everyone contributed. I was also quite pleased to connect with Rachel and we ended up having very similar view points on many issues which is just so encouraging especially for me; one who has for the past year or so been so disillusioned with Christianity.

Saturday: Brother's art opening; 47 people in total showed up, worked with Erin; she got to meet my parents, so did Kevin.

Friday: Ron Sexsmith at the Festival of Friends in Gage Park; Adrian and I rode the scrambler (cost 4.50$ each (HS!!! = holy shit!!!!) Cotton candy and fries, yes!!!!!

Hmmmmm..... where to now???

The past 2 weekends before the last one we celebrated my dad's 50th birthday. The first one was a family party so all our relatives on my dad's side came. So this was the party where there was no drinknig because my dad's relatives are very conservative but we played PHASE 10 and Adrian got to meet a lot of my family which was quite fun. We also gave my dad a new mountain bike (a present my brothers and I went in on) complete with a pink basket, a duckie horn and pink streamers. Yipeeeee

The second party involved my dad's work friends and family friends and it was definetly the more wild of the two. It had rum!!!!! and of course delicious food.

What else have I been up to? Well Adrian and I are still great; we do the usual things; go on hikes, go out for icecrean, awwww so pathetically sweet.

Now I am preparing for school mode and I actually read all the things that I am going to be expected to know and learn during my first placement which begins in Febuary after my "intensive" where I will learn lots of things but some of the more hands on things include:

drawing blood from veins
knowing when and how to catherize
Auscultating fetal heart rate
Reading electronic fetal monitors
Performing a vaginal exam and knowing what to look for
Obtaining vaginal swabs
Performing uterine exams
Palpating the uterus; determining fetal size; measuring fundal height
delivering the placenta
Sampling umilical cord blood and gases

Wow, thank god that I don't have to learn how to suture (give stitches) yet; I think I have enough on my plate and to tell you the truth I am excited but scared shitless. Me, little old me, having the knowledge to do all those things? eeeepppps. I suppose I have all fall to mentally prepare.
YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-26T14:42:00.000-04:00

My relaxing weekend at my parents; went to Durham Highland games in Uxbridge!!!!

Olive trees and Cedar trees

2006-07-18T21:14:00.000-04:00

As I go about my day to day tasks enduring the hot Hamilton sun, half way around the world, people endure the heat under their sheet metal roofs and within their concrete walls as to avoid aerial shells, rockets and bullets... stray or intended.... Yes, the reality and presence of the Arab-Israeli war is illuminated again in Lebanon... and continues as it always seems to have been continuing , in Gaza and the West Bank. I could speak for hours about my feelings and frustrations relating to this war, especially in regards to the evangelical church's unconditional support for the state of Israel, but this blog is intended really to make it's readers to pause a moment, and think about Arabs, Christians, Jews, Atheists and everyone living in the perhaps the most beautiful part of the world under a militarized state that is only getting more restricted, violent, racist and intolerant. Please for a moment, consider the fear, stress and despair these people experience as they simply try to go to the market, raise a family, have a nap... My words do little to express some of my feelings if any.
So please, if you have time, peruse a website or two to learn more about this conflict because in recognizing the gravity of the experiences of others who endure conflict, we give recognition and legitimation to their pain, their histories and thus their identities... the act of recognizing each other in this way is essential to being human and to feeling whole.... if we do not do this, the people in the Middle East will remain as "other"... the people who live "over there"... "not here" but they are not, they are us, we are them; people...

Websites:

http://www.electronicintifada.net

http://www.electronicintifada.net/lebanon/

www.zatoun.com

I love Tolstoy

2006-07-13T21:56:00.000-04:00

Some of you may know that Leo Tolstoy; great Russian thinker for the late 1800s, is my favourite intellectual. He used to be an aristocrat, a rich snob, arrogant, seeking the world but his experiences in the Crimean war made him think about how senseless all those things truly are. He pondered deeply about what spirituality is in comparison to the shell of an institution that the church can be. Here are some amazing quotes, some of his, some that he quoted in his work "What is Religion, of What Does its Essence Consist?"

"True religion is that relationship, in accordance with reason and knowledge which man establishes with the infinite world around him, and which binds his life to that infinity and guides his actions."
- Tolstoy

And here are some descriptions of great thinkers who influenced Tolstoy:

"Friedrich Ernst Schleiermacher (1768-1834). German philosopher and theologian who, rather than defining religion in terms of reason or morality, sees it as a feeling of the absolute dependence of oneself as a finite being on the infinite. The infinite whole, taken as a set of things, is God, and the individual is beliebed to gain his identity, or life-unity, by developing an awareness of his particular place in nature and history..."

"Ludwig Feurbach (1804-72). Bavarian philospher and theologian... He defined religion as "the dream of the human mind", and viewed all spiritual development as properly relating to man, rather than to God. He advocated this as a conscious activity conducive to the well-being of the human speices".

Anyways, some of these thoughts inspire me because religion is not defined as a system of beliefs that you inherit or subsribe to but rather an innate human desire, passion, something that comes from within, that connects us to eternity... to existence... to God... to whatever you want to call it..... Lovin it.

Adrian's Birthday

2006-07-12T10:15:00.000-04:00

Jacob wishing Adrian such a happy birthday!!!

Adrian in front of his snare drum chocolate cake

Margie, oh Margie... Doing the honours of punishing Adrian for being an hour late for his own birthday party because he "wasn't feeling well".... hmmmmm....

Joyful noise

2006-07-10T21:15:00.000-04:00

Just a note: the photos go in reverse order of what I tried to do... my bad.... My weekend involved a lot of spasticity... music... oma and yes even pirates, but we musn't forget giant cokes and mc hammer car bouncing.
So... where to begin.... Friday, I left work at the Freeway only to return a couple of hours later to meet Miranda and Erin to see some emo music at Absinthe. Came back to Freeway, enjoyed the Acoustics to be followed by helping Adrian and Carolyn close while practicing Kung Fu on Adrian while wearing 4 inch heels, YES!!!!!!!!!! I ended the night with a pita from the pit, nice.
Day 2... Saturday.... Weils bakery and fair trade coffee.... rush to Adrian's to accompany him to a jam session. So, I got to see him play serious drums for the first time ever and let me just say that he just became 10x hotter. Im crazy about him anyways but he is actually really, really good. I'm sure I just sat there with my jaw dropped the whole time. His bandmates are pretty good too, it sounded like Metallica, nice!!!!!

Then.... off to Oma and Opa's house. Adrian had a fun line up of meeting not only my parents but my grandparents too... at the same time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was fun. Then we randomly decided to see Pirates of the Carribean. Adrian buys the tickets, litters away the receipt and then off to Lick's. Adrian is so thirsty so he orders a large Coke that cost $3.18. WTF??? Then we see why, the pics explain the rest. Get's cold, still not movie time, sit in car, dancing to Hammer and other 80s classics. Car bounces, people stare, ha ha ha ha ha.... Adrian asks if I have the movie ticks... I say, "no"..... Evidently, when Adrian hackee-sacked the receipt away, he also littered away our movie ticks. Nice one Age, nice one.... Luckily the lady remembered us and escorted us through and I had to cut a few ladies off cause they were standing in the way!!!! oh vell, I try not to be rude but I had dirty pirates on the brain. Needless to say, Pirates of the Carribean was so awesome. Adrian got a little scared at some parts so I held his hand and told him it would be okay... he made it through... At the very end, when the suprise ending happened, Adrian shouted out loud, "Oh no" just like how a 5 year old would, nice!!!

Day 3..... Sunday....
Woke up feeling panicky, I couldn't quite fall asleep because I felt like I had so many things to do and not enough time. I had a little stress fest for no reason, strange, why do I do that? Anyways, got on it, did some errands.... No Frills is a scary place on the weekend... have to wait in line just to move your cart... wait in line to reach the tomatoes, geeeeeeez..... finally get out, pick up Adrian and meet my bro and Bonnie and Nick to car pool to SCENE music fest. Stop at Booster Juice, drank my whole juice, felt sick after, too much fruit.... Literally felt like giant blueberry girl from Willy Wonka and Chocolate Factory.

Let me tell you what Scene was like.... To summarize; awesome.... 120 bands playing at various venues in St Catherines. We walked to the main stage; Market Square... saw a bit of City and Colour, honestly thought it was boring so Adrian and I walked. Came across a little bar the featured some metal bands so we stopped in... two doors down saw Infinite Machine who are from Hamilton and a bit of the Johnstones. All the members of Infinite Machine were so talented and the drummer was a really hot chick, I was like hell ya, you go!!!!!!

Saw more bands.... middle eastern food for dinner.... Adrian and I were walking and see a waterfront and decide to walk and check it out and when we get closer, it disappears and all we see are highways.... St Catherines tricked us both!!!!!!!!!
Finished the night off with Alexis on Fire then the last of Tokyo Police Club and get back to the Hammer at around 12ish.
It was truly and awesome weekend!

Sleeping

2006-07-05T14:55:00.000-04:00

I am always tired. All I want to do is sleep. I get home from work and all I want to do is nap. I usually do not stay up late. I wake up at 7:30, why am I so tired? If you know, please tell me.
Anyways, this weekend I was able to do plenty of what I love most.
But first, on Friday, Erin and I were superheroes. We catered a huge job!!!! I got to The Freeway at 8am and started setting up a beautiful continental breakfast. Erin arrived shortly after 9am and by that time the place was full of Lawson staff. We catered breakfast, lunch and drinks all day for 37 people. The lunch was custom, so we collected all their orders and go cracking right away. Once 11am hit, we were constantly running. All the counter space was filled up and by the time we were finished making all the sandwiches we were out of dishes and sink and bin space to put more dirty dishes. I had never wanted to wash dishes so badly. All in all, it went pretty smoothly. We had a few weirdos in the crowd like a girl who wanted ice for her tea and pouted at us when we told her we had no ice. Or the girl who said she didn't like this place because we didn't have a green bin. Yes... because we are responsible for city by-laws. Take it to city hall sister and pipe down while I get your dessert.... sheesh....
Anyways, 8-6... long day but Adrian visited me at around 4:30 ish and let me release some of my verbal stresses and he dealt with some knots in my shoulders... you are the best! Then as soon as Kristyn and Miranda showed up I was out of there as fast as I could be and on my way home.
Had fun with parents. We watched tonnes of movies including Fun with Dick and Jane which is quite hilarious.
Saturday, family went to cottage but I decided to stay at home and sleep and honestly that is all I had the strength to do. As soon as I would try to get up my muscles would ache and tell me to sit back down. It was all good though because BBC Canada had a What Not to Wear marathon and I watched 6hours of it. Yes!!!!!
Sunday, watched the missed episodes of Cornation Street. Poor Jamie, I can't believe that Danny and Leanne got caught cheating, that was so scandalous, oh my..... My parents and I made some fancy drink cocktails; Fuzzy Navels and read and slept in the backyard. Good sleepy times aided with cocktails.
Monday, my productive day; helped clean house, baked Adrian's birthday cake, yummy yummy!!!!!
But this weekend, I also found out that my dad's cancer is back. He had a surgery this week and we are hoping it is all gone but we shall wait and see. I am not worried until I need to be. But whatever happens, everyone needs to know that he is the best dad ever and he doesn't need to worry about me...

Walking, standing, sitting, sweating

2006-06-26T10:39:00.000-04:00

To sum up...
Friday night I wore my cute new white shoes that literally slit my heels leaving little blood stains on my shoes, poor me, fashion kills, yes I know, but sometimes it is worth it.... jury is out on this one though, my feet still hurt and it is now Monday.
My brothers visited the freeway and then we went to Slainte's with Adrian...
Saturday... oh yes, get ready to be jealous..... I saw: Jay Mathus, Raising the Fawn, Feist, Bloc Party and Broken Social Scene at Olympic Island on Toronto Centre Island. It was so fun.... So standing.... in line for the ferry; packed like sardines, baking on a cookie sheet, oh lord.... fat American man sticking his beer belly in my back, ew!.... I tried utilizing my elbows but it felt as though they just got stuck, ew!!.... Okay, meditate.... I am somewhere else.....
Got to island... Sat on grass.... all day.... watched bands..... awesome.... several naps.... sat in sun..... ate a rainbow popsicle... It's one of two pictures I managed to get as I had forgotten to charge my batteries.... dammit! Also had a veggie dog, 5$ wahoo.... this better be good.... It was... that's all I ate all day though besides my post-Jack Daniels the night before breakfast of pancakes and eggs, thanks Snooty Fox!!!
Bloc Party played all my favourites including "This Modern Love" I love the cheese so bring it on! After I went to play video games at Adrian's... fun fun
Sunday: Here is where the walking gets intense... Adrian and I walked maybe a total of 20 kilometers and just for fun. I had a car, we had the bus but no, we wanted to walk. We walked to the Upper James plaza from his house. Went to Bulk Barn where I bought some cake decorating supplies. Went to a sunglasses store and I bought the least knock-off looking of the bunch (not having a big D & G or a big CC). Then we walked down the escarpment stairs and decided we wanted a patio beer so we walked to Hess village. Then, we walked to Jackson Square where I got sucked into Harmony, ohhhh on the way, I got sucked into Deja View, tried on some shirts and more sunglasses. I got the one that Adrian said looks like a grandma's shirt, "yes!!!!" and some oversized white sunglasses....
Then after, we tried to get falafel but the good place was closed so we walked.... walked to Hamilton General... visited Jane, I love Jane!!!!
Then we needed to get to the Freeway but oh so hungry!!!! Went into a pizza place... um... way too sketchy.... Is that cardboard the pizza???? We went to sub place... this will do, way too hungry.... Adrian ordered the meatball sub... he is brave... I got the veggie on wholewheat.... The man behind the counter thought it was funny...
All in all... good weekend but my feet need a break.

What a weekend part 2

2006-06-18T17:07:00.000-04:00

Strawberry picking with Susan and Zhoe who happened to drop many strawberries and thus had to eat them because they were no good for the basket, tee hee.....
Barbeque was a blast; here are some pics
There are some crazy kids in this community, but they are adorable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But poor poor Kevin.

What a weekend

2006-06-18T17:04:00.000-04:00

Friday night I went to the Six Nations Benefit Concert at Cheifswood park and it was soooooooooooo fun. It had everything a festival should have; fried food, vendors, bands, trees and lots of beautiful people to watch. Pernell and Mark were really fun to hang out with and Steve, thanks for the cigar; so fun and unexpected! Erin you are always fun and you know it; fun sharing the cigar with you. Adrian, be more careful with your knee next time... you could have really hurt Pernell. Anyways, to say the least Freeway people are fun and they are less and less known as Freeway people and more and more just considered my friends, awwww cute moment! Here are some pictures!

Flooooooooooooooowwwwwwweeeers!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-06-16T15:40:00.000-04:00

Adrian came over yesterday and these are what he brought me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just had to brag 'cause that is what a blog is for and now you all can tease him for being sooooo cute!!!!!!!!! Thanks again, Adrian.

Howard's opening

2006-06-13T17:53:00.000-04:00

Randy laughing with Howard and below; what a cute couple!, me practicing bellydancing in front of my painting and me with the lovely Abby!

WTF Indeed

2006-06-13T09:25:00.000-04:00

There is explicit profanity in this blog so please seek parental guidance...

The past few days have been interesting. Howard's art opening was good and I will be posting pictures later. I went home this weekend and on my way back, on the 407, nearby where I needed my last tow, I got a flat!!!! My tire was shredded!!! So, we pay how much money to use the 407 and they can't even get the fucking shit off the road that will destroy my car??? The CAA guy told me he is suprised I didn't have a serious spill with a tear like that in my tire. So, that's that. At least the tire change was covered by CAA membership.

Monday, tired....
Good day at work... busy busy.... And then a man comes in, looks at the art and goes up to Randy and says a horrible, ignorant comment about the art that really, really pissed me off (and Randy too). I am just glad he went up to Randy and not me because I am sick of dealing with snotty people! And then, he comes up to the bar, asks me how I am and peruses the menu and lets out a "hmph" and walks out. Gosh fucking dammit, some people.

okay, so now to fix my tires. Go to Canadian Tire at the recommendation of my father and the CAA guy. As I pull into the parking lot which has room for both directions of traffic I hear a voice shouting and I realize that it was directed at me a little too late for me to respond. I heard shouted at me.... are you ready for this... too good to be true.... "Get out of my fucking way... stupid" This coming from a sweet, plump, middle aged white woman in her Ford Taurus circa 1991. I was so angry and I really wanted to say.... wait, don't hold this against me but I just have to get it out just once, please..... "Fuck you! you stupid white trash bitch, why don't you get out and say that to my face!!!!!" But, I didn't have time. C'est la vie.

Okay, so I go to get a price on my tires... The CAA guy and my brother who is a mechanic who works at another Canadian Tire told me they should average 60 or 70$ each. I get a price; 113$ per tire. Okay, how much for 2? He tells me 311$. I ask, "how does it nearly triple?" He says, "Installation fees" I say, "No thanks... I'll go somewhere else..."
I was so mad just because I don't feel like doing shit like getting oil changes and flat tires is such a waste of life and there are a million things I'd rather be doing and I don't want to spend 300$ on something I consider to be a waste of life!
So I go home, throat a little tight from feeling like I was potentially being ripped off and the stupid lady in the parking lot. I called Firestone, got a price, 89$ per tire, SWEET! Installation and balancing included, Double-Sweet!!!!
So that will be done on Thursday

I feel like all this dumb shit to do with my car etc, is tiring me out, so I cancelled myself volunteering at the CCR refugee conference at York University this weekend. I just feel too tired, too stressed and the summer is whizzing by and I feel as busy as when I am in school so I put my foot down and said, "no, I must sit on my ass!" So Adrian, "buy me some beer so we can sit on our asses!" And, I want to go Strawberry picking, does anyone want to come or know of a good farm nearby?

So, after all this, well... it's not all bad; Sunday I got to see Adrian eat a veggie dog, that was fun and last night my good friend Diane called me after being away on a roadtrip for a month and a half so yippee! And, I went to sit and read at around 830pm and I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 7am this morning, SWEET!!!!!!

the cafe

2006-06-06T22:27:00.000-04:00

the cafe was busy today!!!!
I was tired after work!!!!
Erin, my client and I were busy!!!!
I had a lunch rush!!! I had to multitask like crazy
And then I came home and had mail!!!! A wedding invitation to my friends' wedding; Dave and Jenn, congrats!!!!!!! Also, my cds came in the mail!!!! Kill Bill vol 1 soundtrack, Death Cab "Plans" and James Blunt, so yes, I am "beautiful" thanks James Blunt.
Erin, you have good eyes, wink wink...

What? a day? My day? today? what happened?

2006-06-03T22:25:00.000-04:00

So, worked at freeway. good....
went to brooklyn's engagement party where I watched her get married under beautiful trees and raindrops..... beautiful.... unexpected... natural.... just about them.... not a production but truly a celebration... congratulations and thank you for openly sharing that moment.....

Went to drive home.... walked to car... soaked.... car warms me up.... on highway... wipers stop!!!!! ahhhh, what do i do? pull over.... flashers... call daddy... DADDY!!!!!!! wipers not working...call CAA.... boo hoo boo hoo....... wait for tow truck.... half an hour... OPP checks on me.... 407 engineer checks on me.... where is my tow-truck???..... He comes. I get in. BIG MUSCLES!!!! voice of the movie commericials.... so weird.... We go, he takes a wrong turn... Hey that's my mileage that is rackin' up.... stops for a pop.... that is 0.1 km!!!!!
Talk about midwifery.... his ex relationships.... dating.... so weird!!!!!.... he tells me I have honest eyes and a voice that puts people at ease and he told me that I made his day.... that was nice but.... ah!..... He was nice, not to worry....
But what a day... never made it home.... never made it home to play pool and drink beers with the fam.... maybe next week.
It's all good though, as soon as I pulled over my friend Care called me and said she was coming to hamilton and I said well yes, I will be there as a matter of fact... so everything worked out... nice.... so now I am off to catch up with a midwifery bud over some beers.... the fountain of life? jokes.... everyone knows that that is coffee!!!!!

Busy Busy

2006-06-03T10:08:00.000-04:00

I have to log about the funniest thing that happened yesterday. Kevin almost made me pee my pants. Kevin was giving me a ride home and then with a serious tone, asked me to explain to him what it means to be a witch, to which I respond, I know nothing about being a witch, I grew up Christian. Kevin drops his jaw and bursts out laughing (while driving). Kevin thought I was a witch (he also thought I was something else but you will have to ask him for that story, lol).
To clarify my ambigious identity, I am a heterosexual woman with no specific form of spirituality at this time. I want to learn about Wiccan because the values and knowledge of that faith tradition seem important to me but I am not a witch, Kevin, but I am training to be a midwife.... HA ha ha ha ha ha (and no, that was not a witch's cackle).

After Kevin dropped me home I went back down town to the Hamilton Art Gallery and checked out with my friend Gupreet, the Van Gogh exhibit and a monthly presentation put on by the Baha'i faith association of Hamilton called Soul Food. It was really interesting; held in a room in the art gallery -- interludes of Spanish guitar and readings of sacred and meaningful texts. And what was the subject matter you ask. Well let me tell you. Trees, nature, trees. It was created for me, lol. No, it was created for everyone.

Here are some of those wicked-awesome passages, lol:

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. -Bill Vaughan

We cannot segregate the human heart from the environment outside us and say that once one of these is reformed everything will be improved. Man is organic upon the other and every abiding change in the life of man is the result of these mutual reactions. - Shoghi Effendi, from the Baha'i writings

When you enter a grove peopled with ancient trees, higher than the ordinary, and shutting out the sky with their thickly inter-twined branches, do not the stately shadows of the wood, the stillness of the place, and the awful gloom of this doomed cavern then strike you with the presence of a deity? - Seneca

And here is something that seems to sum up so so so many of my feelings and values:

The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way. Some see nature all ridicule and deformity, and some scarce see Nature at all. But to the eyes of the man of imagination, Nature is imagination itself. - William Blake, "The letters" 1799.

Nature is imagination itself.... Nature is imagination itself... Nature is imagination itself... He says it so simply yet it is so profound. This is so contradictory to our society where there is little room if any for imagination. This speaks so much to me because I can honestly look out my window for hours, stare at the tree branches and not consider it a waste of time. I am looking into something that words cannot adequately capture but Blake does a damn good job, "imagination itself".....

at work

2006-06-01T11:30:00.000-04:00

the ac is finally working. Buzzed off two cups of coffee. Listening to the strokes... I have already had three no... four awesome customers. You know what I love to see that happens here all the time!!!!???? When customers who are strangers outside the front doors feel free to meet and greet each other inside the warm, cozy atmosphere of our lovely cafe. It gives me the good kind of chills and makes me so happy I can feel it in my cheeks like Welch's Grape Juice.
This entry is a shout out to all the things that make me happy right now in this very moment; I am savouring every bit of it: Abby wanting to do Henna on me and our conversations about trees; coffee coffee coffee; Adrian always making me laugh; my parents visiting and seeing how happy I am; Erin oh Erin, I love you; my awesome clients; the salsa I made last night (I put kiwi in it... mmmmmm...) there is so much more, so so so much more... basically everyone at the freeway... Hamilton... okay.... I am going overboard but if you need anything from me... now is a good time cause clearly I am in such a good mood... take advantage before I get pissy! lol!!!

Imogen Heap and melting

2006-05-29T18:21:00.000-04:00

I used to think that I would melt just by going into a church because I am a witch.... no joking.... I wish I were but today at work the air conditioner wasn't working; I was mopping; moving furniture; had a client and and and I rode my bike to work. SO yes, I did melt in the freeway but not because I am a witch but because it is so fucking hot out.

Anyways... Imogen Heap on Saturday... fan-bloody-tastic. I marvel at how coordinated she is. She introduced us to her band: her beat box, her laptop, her thinga magigy? her keyboards, her keytar, and her loop recorder (i don't know what anything is truly called.... that's the thing that plays back anything she records). She started with an acapela version of Just for now. She also played all my other favs like frou frou's let go, and then hide and seek, say good night and go and her version of hallelujah. Hooray for summer concerts and going to Toronto with Erin, crusing with the Stills in the player... Erin, "you rock, rock!" Not that you are a rock but I know that we both love I heart Huckabees so let's go stand in the valley at dusk.

2006-05-28T11:25:00.001-04:00

Here is something I read... I get lightbulbs...

"In his Psychologie der Weltanschauugen, Jaspers breaks with traditional philosophy. In that work, he portrays and relativizes all philosophical systems as mythologizing structures to which man flees seeking protection from the real questions of his existence... Jaspers sees [these systems of philosophy] that claim to have grasped the meaning of life and systems that present themselves as "coherant systems of the Whole" as mere hollow "shells" that interfere with the experiencing of "border situations" and confer a false peace of mind that is inherently unphilosophical...." Hannah Arendt in Essays in Understanding: 1930-1954, Formation, Exile and Totalitarianism.

I like this argument. We all have our ways of making sense of the world; our politics, religion, philosophies, consumption, sequential life goals... whatever.... Is it possible that all these things that we are trained to create distract us from real raw experience? Or is real raw experience embedded in these things. Jaspers argues that these philosophies give us a false sense of peace. A sense of control in a world that is under the surface of things really truly chaotic and that prevent us from experiencing "border situations". Border situations.... perhaps where we feel most out of our element, most out of control.... when things fall apart or when things seem so perfect that all of these systems of meaning do not matter in comparison to what we feel deep within. I don't know, sex for the first time, getting robbed, having someone close die, giving birth.... These situations seem like border situations that in one way or another define our lives, teach us and transform us. I think it is a powerful and scary thing to wonder if all our comforts, all our musings about why and how the world is... a rational portrait of life and existence for example through religion.... does that interfere with our experience of the real? the border situations? Interesting to think about...

London

2006-05-27T15:59:00.000-04:00

First day: Robbed!
I was already going into a stressful situation, enough said. First day, I get pick pocketed. The weather started out nice but as soon as we exited the Nottinghill Underground stop it started pissing from the sky. Trying to open my umbrella without stabbing anyone in the eye was my first challenge. Then I was in la la la land musing about Portabello road market. I wanted a coffee and then I realized my wallet was gone. It felt like all the blood rushed from my head down to my toes and out into the cobbles. Without speaking a word, tears began to fill my eyes and stream down my face. I didn't use my umbrella anymore. I wanted my heavy feeling body to be soaked by the cool rain. I wanted my face, tight with stress to be washed away. We walked and walked and walked to the police station following a bumbling moron of a copper. He was nice and all... asked me how many cards were stolen probably a total of 14 times. On the way my lovely sandals I had just bought in Cuba fell apart. My trip began to fall apart as symbolized by my shoes disintegrating before my very eyes. There I was barefooted, crying in the streets of London. I dug my toes into the cobbles, embracing the dirty rain puddles, wanting to feel every bit of this ugliness.
That sounds shitty eh? believe it or not, I had fun. Yes, I did need a whiskey or two to fall asleep most nights of the week but London is a great city and yes, I spoke with my heart to the beautiful old trees in the beautiful old parks and no my heaviness did not dissapate but I swam through my feelings of heaviness and embraced it and still had a good time. Here are just a few of the 580 pictures.

2006-05-27T15:44:00.000-04:00

In trees I find the most pronounced experience of god. Trees carry history, widsom.... In it's roots, trunk and branches are the impressions of generations that have passed. The simplicity of their function; purifying the air, anchoring the earth and protecting those under them reflect some of the most essential elements of life and god. Then I threw in a random William Blake piece cause his art is fucking awesome, exploding with raw emotion... that's romantic-gothic for you. Most of these tree pictures are olive trees. Many olive trees in Israel-Palestine are hundreds and hundreds of years old and tie families to the land and their ancestry. Olive trees are an important symbol for Palestinian nationalism. One of the biggest grievances against the Palestinian people is the destruction of their communities via the uprooting of these ancient trees. Personally, I find this act tragic and demoralizing because of the spirt and the pure and simple reflection of god and creation that trees encompass. My point? Is there a point to writing a blog... not really.... now you just know that I really love trees but maybe, just maybe.... you will want to learn more about the sustained conflict in Israel-Palestine and the various fronts on which this battle is fought.

Random snapshots of my life since I owned a digital camera

2006-05-27T13:25:00.000-04:00

Above: Nellie bellie; one of dogs... tee hee, she is smiling and wearing a hat. How precious.
This is some of my midwifery class.... we like to party, drink champagne... although I hate wine and champagne, bleh.... But I love brownies...

This is a Strawberry Chocolate Mousse cake. A beautiful creation... yes I made this, I used to be a cake decorator at my old job.... so fun....
These are the great kids I used to work with at Sunnydale Community Centre in Waterloo. Mark on the left spoke better English than I did as a 4 year old recently immigrated from Africa. He's awesome.
Canoeing with lillypads.... sorry frogs for disturbing your habitat. I am the oppressor.

2006-05-27T13:12:00.000-04:00

What... a blog? who me? who is reading this?.... If you like hearing about trees and the senselessness of everything then welcome... welcome....